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What Makes Sex Satisfying?
A conversation between Don Shewey and
Kai Ehrhardt, the teachers of
AUTHENTIC EROS
Don:
I believe that everyone is entitled to a satisfying sex life, and when I think about what gets in the way of that, what comes to mind is the impact of pornography on our sex lives these days. I'm not opposed to pornography. I think it's fun and enjoyable and a turn-on. But both as a sex therapist and as a regular gay guy, I've become increasingly aware that a whole population of gay men watch tons and tons of porn and have unconsciously absorbed what they've seen as instruction on "How to Have Sex."
Doing so, they have internalized a lot of grievous misconceptions about what's reasonable to expect from themselves and others by way of 1) body image 2) body functioning 3) sexual tastes. Because they see the same formula acted out again and again -- everyone has a lean muscled body and a big dick, everyone gets hard and shoots, everyone can fuck, everyone can get fucked, fisting is par for the course, as are slapping and spitting -- they think that's what sex is and should be, and if that's not what they like or what's happening, there's something wrong with them.
Meanwhile, many of the things that are most pleasurable about actual sex (kissing, cuddling, intimacy, tenderness - try searching for those keywords on XTube!) are rarely or never shown in porn, so those watching for instruction never learn how to manage such niceties. So a lot of guys either 1) have so much anxiety around sex that they can't perform or enjoy it, or 2) they avoid sex with others altogether and confine their erotic lives to jerking off to porn.
What's become an under-acknowledged epidemic is the phenomenon of guys who jerk off to porn every day (sometimes 2 or 3 times) and then can't squirt in the presence of a partner. There are ways of addressing and working around these problems, but it all starts with acknowledging that pornography is a visual medium, an entertainment form. As titillation, it's great. As education, it's terrible. It's science fiction, not documentary. Trying to reproduce in your bedroom what you see in porn videos is a recipe for lousy sex.
Video porn works by flooding the nervous system with a lot of visual stimulation, which can increase your heart rate and get your adrenalin pumping, and all that is fine. But it over-privileges one sense (sight) and leaves the rest of your sensual body in the dust. Authentic Eros aims to give participants guidance and practice at including your full being in erotic encounters, including the parts that can't be photographed and posted on X-Tube. :--)
Kai:
When I think about what makes sex satisfying, surrender (both physical and spiritual) is incredibly important. I have looked for surrender everywhere: Tantra, SM, drugs, breath, extensive inner body awareness, role play, dance, meditation, relationships, bodywork. The kind of surrender that turns me on is not about becoming totally passive and letting just anything happen to me. It's about surrendering to what's happening right NOW.
Giving IN is different from giving UP. When I give in to this moment, to this man, to the energy and dynamic that is present right now, when I give in to my desires and to his desires, I automatically have to give up what is not part of this moment. Usually, that includes my preconceived ideas or my automatic, routine responses.
In the Authentic Eros workshop we pay special attention to the stories we tell ourselves ("this guy is boring"/ "he is too hot for me" / "he seems arrogant" / "I am sure he is not into me") - not to judge them, but to practice letting them pass by like clouds and focusing on what's real: the closeness or distance between us, the tension or openness in his face, the rhythm of his breath or heart, the way he responds to my words, my smile or my touch.
Surrender is a form of listening, a prerequisite to successful physical, emotional and verbal dialog. Why then do we often want sex to be predictable, which is the best recipe for unsatisfying experiences? Well, for the same reason we want things to be predictable in all of life. It can just be too overwhelming to deal with life's uncertainty. Will he reject me? Will he love me tomorrow? We don't even know if we will still be around tomorrow.
And so, we do everything we can to make life predictable and safe, because that gives us comfort. The more gadgets and insurance policies we have, the more we create the illusion of control and stability. It takes courage and deep trust to let go of that. But the reward is everything: it is life itself. We can only be connected to the pulsating, creative inherently erotic impulse of life, if we can ride its uncertainty. That is incredibly liberating.
In the workshop we create opportunities to over and over practice this simple but challenging shift of attention: away from thoughts and routines, toward the body, the desires, the tangible energy and impulse of the moment. The reason I love creating and teaching Authentic Eros is to empower men to throw away their sexual insurance policies, to trust their desires and to let their eroticism magnetize all of life not just the bedroom or the computer screen.
Practicing surrender in life or in sex, I am reminded of a good tango: you have to be extremely fluid, awake and agile - and at the same time able to respond to powerful, directive impulses. In a good tango you can actually watch how power is born out of surrender and how it dies into surrender. When all the forces are in alignment, the quick and the slow step, the music, the breath, the provocative gaze, the holding arm, the sudden but graceful turn - then it is ecstatic, erotic and HOT! But that of course is a skill like any other. Skill takes practice and to practice is half the fun. We invite you to practice with us to be authentically erotic, whatever that means for you.
For more info about Kai, go to http://authenticeros.com.
More info about Don is at http://bodyandsoulwork.com.
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